Lost Identity. Stream of Consciousness.
Today I am taking a "me" day. I'm feeling very drowned out. Like I am slightly losing myself. I don't know why - actually I do. When stepping out as a couple, I am known now as Mike's wife or as a part of a pair. No longer am I known as simply Shelby and as much as I love being Mike's wife, I also feel very one-sided. It reminds me of the feeling I had when I first crossed Delta and began making relationships with people outside of my previous friends. I started feeling like Shelby the Delta instead of solely Shelby. I don't know about you, but I act my role. Therefore I bring different sides of myself based on the role that I am playing.
So although Mike knows me, when playing the role of his wife and being introduced or even getting to know people I don't give them all of me. I mean, I don't burst out with a corny and completely ridiculous joke or tell them my thoughts on personal aspects of life. I play the role of Mike's wife - I try to be nice and play the background. Just like when I play the role of daughter - yes, my parents know me - but I don't give all of me to their friends, I would completely embarrass my parents and make their friends blush. Now, I love playing these roles, because they are a part of me, but I am starting to play the wife role way too often and I am beginning to drown in it. I feel like I am losing myself.
Like, yeah I have times where I get to let my guard down and be me, but many of my relationships in DC are in beginning stages. Let's just say, the other day I had a brunch date with one of my girlfriends that knew me before Delta, before marriage, when I was simply "Shelby" and we literally ended up hanging at brunch all afternoon, going in for manis, and then going to a "closed" bar (they let us in because they are awesome) and drinking glasses of wine in a dark quaint urban bar literally all day and evening. By the time that we were finished, my heart and soul felt fed. I literally thanked God, because the feeling of something that was so familiar was earth shattering for me.
I didn't want the evening to end - we talked about life, friends, relationships, memories, and we laughed hysterically at our old inside jokes. It felt like heaven. Something so simple and familiar felt so different. I forgot the feeling of being around a woman that just gets you. In a conversation with someone where no explanations had to be made - no sugar coating - no regrets - no hold backs - and no calculation. It was completely organic and natural. I was safe. She was safe. I wasn't embarrassed to dance a little when reminiscing on old times.
Friends, family, and those closest to me play a huge part of my identity - they remind me of who I am. They are my mirrors - I can see myself through them. I look at them and know that these are people that chose me and I them. We've chosen one another and get one another. No regrets, no ill-will, all love. When at home in Cincinnati making cookies and truffles with Christmas music in the background with my sister and mother, I am reminded of who I am. When sitting at Chipotle for hours with Mike after an entire morning in our pjs on the couch watching Cheaters, I am reminded about who I am. When talking to my dad all night, while he sits in his big chair and I lay on the bed, I'm reminded about who I am. When sitting around with mama Steel, she is on the computer I am sitting on the big chair and we are talking about God knows what :) I am reminded who I am. With my cousso (we will always find a big couch), A.Yancey, running our mouth for hours, I am reminded who I am. And I can keep going... I've been blessed with so many close friends and family members... but here lately, not having many of those one on one in person encounters makes me feel like I am having a true identity crisis.
I am literally playing one role and I miss the other parts of myself - I miss the Shelby that is with her besties and family. I miss the Shelby that is out of the "getting to know you" phase. I miss the girl that can laugh until her belly hurts. I miss the girl that can always take a photo shoot. I miss the woman that can hold a secret until the grave and can't whisper an ounce. I miss the mall buddy; the happy hour partner. I miss the woman that is always down to roll. I miss the woman that always has a piece of advice to give or take. The girl that will play the wall or the middle of the floor with her girls. I miss the girlie Starbucks runs, the Dunkin' donuts throughout the city, the all night tea parties. I miss the girl that can have a good cry with her girls, whether over a movie, a misunderstanding, or a boy. I miss the woman that has a brunch date with waffles, potatoes, unlimited mimosas or coffee that leads to a dinner of tacos and margaritas. I miss the woman that loves to play a matchmaker regardless of the setting. The woman that throws parties (of 2 - 30 people) where debating, loud convos, the smell of homemade food/drinks and laughter fill the apartment.
Today in church I literally cried through the whole praise and worship (not a big surprise - I always cry during praise and worship), but I cried because I felt like their was a big hole in my being. Because although my relationship with Christ isn't wavering, there is something about the lack of fellowship. Praising Him and getting to know Him through independent practices (church, morning reflection, nightly devotion, and prayers) is necessary, but there is something about fellowship with friends and talking about Him with your "peoples" that brings Him closer - that makes your blessings feel more tangent. There is something about talking about Christ while talking to someone that knows His works in Your life that really binds you together with that person and Him.
This was supposed to be a quick three sentence blog about me time, but whenever I write post I feel like I am writing to people that get me and I had to let this out. So if you skimmed and are looking for the stinkin' point - the point is that I've realized that my relationships make me who I am. And without them - I feel lost. I've never realized this and didn't even realize this before writing this post, but while throwing up all my thoughts on this page, this is what I've come up with. My genuine relationships are not only important to me, they are important to who I am. Regardless of how "weak" it makes me, the truth is...I am not me without my closest relationships. You guys make me who I am.
So although Mike knows me, when playing the role of his wife and being introduced or even getting to know people I don't give them all of me. I mean, I don't burst out with a corny and completely ridiculous joke or tell them my thoughts on personal aspects of life. I play the role of Mike's wife - I try to be nice and play the background. Just like when I play the role of daughter - yes, my parents know me - but I don't give all of me to their friends, I would completely embarrass my parents and make their friends blush. Now, I love playing these roles, because they are a part of me, but I am starting to play the wife role way too often and I am beginning to drown in it. I feel like I am losing myself.
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| Lost Identity. miwaki.deviantart.com/ art/Lost-Identity-159384571 |
Like, yeah I have times where I get to let my guard down and be me, but many of my relationships in DC are in beginning stages. Let's just say, the other day I had a brunch date with one of my girlfriends that knew me before Delta, before marriage, when I was simply "Shelby" and we literally ended up hanging at brunch all afternoon, going in for manis, and then going to a "closed" bar (they let us in because they are awesome) and drinking glasses of wine in a dark quaint urban bar literally all day and evening. By the time that we were finished, my heart and soul felt fed. I literally thanked God, because the feeling of something that was so familiar was earth shattering for me.
I didn't want the evening to end - we talked about life, friends, relationships, memories, and we laughed hysterically at our old inside jokes. It felt like heaven. Something so simple and familiar felt so different. I forgot the feeling of being around a woman that just gets you. In a conversation with someone where no explanations had to be made - no sugar coating - no regrets - no hold backs - and no calculation. It was completely organic and natural. I was safe. She was safe. I wasn't embarrassed to dance a little when reminiscing on old times.
Friends, family, and those closest to me play a huge part of my identity - they remind me of who I am. They are my mirrors - I can see myself through them. I look at them and know that these are people that chose me and I them. We've chosen one another and get one another. No regrets, no ill-will, all love. When at home in Cincinnati making cookies and truffles with Christmas music in the background with my sister and mother, I am reminded of who I am. When sitting at Chipotle for hours with Mike after an entire morning in our pjs on the couch watching Cheaters, I am reminded about who I am. When talking to my dad all night, while he sits in his big chair and I lay on the bed, I'm reminded about who I am. When sitting around with mama Steel, she is on the computer I am sitting on the big chair and we are talking about God knows what :) I am reminded who I am. With my cousso (we will always find a big couch), A.Yancey, running our mouth for hours, I am reminded who I am. And I can keep going... I've been blessed with so many close friends and family members... but here lately, not having many of those one on one in person encounters makes me feel like I am having a true identity crisis.
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| hedgefundlive.com. |
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| Me and one of my besties, Lo! In college. |
This was supposed to be a quick three sentence blog about me time, but whenever I write post I feel like I am writing to people that get me and I had to let this out. So if you skimmed and are looking for the stinkin' point - the point is that I've realized that my relationships make me who I am. And without them - I feel lost. I've never realized this and didn't even realize this before writing this post, but while throwing up all my thoughts on this page, this is what I've come up with. My genuine relationships are not only important to me, they are important to who I am. Regardless of how "weak" it makes me, the truth is...I am not me without my closest relationships. You guys make me who I am.
