Shelby's Rambles: I'm tired of the guessing games.

Total stream of consciousness - no editing - for fear that I will erase or rephrase something - making this completely inauthentic. 

I'm trying to get to a place - where my emotions are less dependent on the emotions and the moods of others.

I want to step out of my guessing game with people - are they mad at me? Did I say something? Is it my fault? Could I have done something different?

Through my reflections on my need for approval, I've come to realize the importance of my true solid friendships.

The ones that I know won't take passive aggressive blows. The ones that I know have me to the end. Who can tell me when I'm wrong and ridiculous. The ones that will always be there. The ones that talk to me about how they are feeling and inquire about how I am feeling. The ones that I can just unload on and take their load. The ones that I can laugh with - and cry with. The ones where there aren't hidden agendas. The ones where I can trust them completely. The ones where I don't question the information shared. The friends that are honest with me about who they are - and who I am.

I feel so blessed for these friendships.

I feel so blessed for something solid.

When I was younger, I thought that everything - especially relationships would become so transparent and the guessing games would cease; however the games haven't ended for me. They've gotten worst - probably because it now affects my professional life. Or perhaps because I am slightly less sure of myself (at times) now than when I was a teenager. When I was a teenager - I did things because I wanted to. Now, I do A WHOLE lotta things because I need to - what I like to do and what I need to do - don't always intersect for me....soooooo...sometimes I feel lost.

I feel detached from myself at times. Heck, who am I kidding. When I was a child I was a dreamer. I still am a dreamer - but through the years - fear, knowledge, expectations, and life have completely changed my  course in some ways...

But good news, I'm on a journey to self-discovery - I have been documenting it (I'm on day 42)...

Through it all though - one thing remains the same...

When I think about my TRUE friends... it feels so good... because there's no guessing. The truth is on the table. It's solid. It's real.  There's open communication. I know - you know - we know. That's that. And right now in my life, nothing feels better than certainty.