You have sad eyes

REAL TALK. I came home today so motivated and refreshed. Class went well and I got to come home to my true love! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... I am smelling the roses! So then I decided to look at my diary entry from last year...

OKAY, so now I can tell you guys something! A DEEP dark secret. I keep two diaries...lol. One is written on paper (home) and the other is electronic (else where). Anyways, since I can't take my diary around with me - I would die if people read my thoughts... I literally write e-mails to myself that are sent directly to my own BLOCKED journal website :) So, since getting a Blackberry when I am extremely frustrated or feeling a need to vent - I send myself an e-mail.

Long story short, it's funny what a year can do! Below is an e-mail that I wrote to myself.  There have been no changes to this entry, so please excuse the "drama queenness" and please don't judge (I am really putting myself out there). But I want to show a real picture, because this hit me like a brick AND I love when I get reminders of how good God is and how life is truly an up and down journey! Sad today, happy tomorrow, joy all the time :)

You have sad eyes

Today a co-worker stopped me and asked me how I was doing - when I went to say "okay" - she cut me off and said, "you look sad...I don't believe you. Tell me how you are really doing?"

Everything in me wanted to say - well, I am literally broke (I don't want to pay my rent because I am afraid of what my back account is going to look like), Mike and I had a huge arguement at midnight last night (which is rare), I am interviewing for jobs but nothing seems to be panning out, I am hearing constant word of my job  being capsized and I may not be a great competitor due to my current job title, I miss Mike a lot, I haven't slept, I feel lonely because I am embarrased to complain, I am embarrased at how weak I am being, I miss family, I need a major break from reality, I get nervous of the creaks in my apartment, I think of awful scenerios all night and the ways that I can escape them, I am reading the bible (which is refreshing) but it still seems like I am in a constant storm, I am drained from life and merely just existing....

But instead I put on my smile and said, "girl, I am fine."