Hold my hand

In Future of Forestry, "Hold my Hand" they repeat "would you hold my hand?"
Artist Rosario Piazza; Painting, “A Lone Boat”

With Mike traveling sooooooooooo often and working from home. It's often me. Me in this town where I know two folks (in the surrounding area). I love the peace and quiet of this life. But on days where it all seems overwhelming - Noah doesn't sleep through the night, Mike is gone for the third straight day (for the fourth straight week), I'm not hitting my work to-dos, the boys have an extra ounce of energy, I don't have an ounce of energy, I'm falling into my habits of self-isolation, God seems distant, and I simply can't seem to grasp anything...

I envision myself emerging under this calm deep sea. There are slight waves. It's pitch black. I am not sure if I am letting myself go under or if I am being pulled under. There isn't anything visible and big...but I cannot seem to stay afloat or allow myself to drown. Maybe it's not me that prevents me from staying submerged?? But I literally just want to be rescued. I want to be rescued in a real, physical way. I want someone to take my hand and pull me out. I want them to put me on their boat and let me float there beside them silently.

It's pitch black and so all there is - is a faceless embrace. I am not being cuddled or coddled. We are simply sitting beside one another allowing the water to rock us softly. I don't need to say "thank you" a thousand times for being rescued. I don't need to feel guilty for being rescued in calm water. I don't need to worry about taking up too much of the liferaft. I don't need to explain why I'm out there in the first place. I don't need to find a way to earn my spot. I don't need to apologize for being... I get to just be.

I feel like God is preparing me to be the paddler in that lone boat. I am starting to see, though, before being a paddler, I have to first fully experience the grace, acceptance, humility, insecurity, fear, embarrassment, lack, loneliness, and tears that come with being the passenger.  I have to allow myself to be formed into someone that knows how to sit still and just hold someone's hand in the dark, deep, calm or rocky sea...

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