Back To Normalcy?

I'm holding my favorite doll in the world, Sara.

Not at all.  ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­I have so many people around me that got hit so much harder than me. I have a student that had a tree fall on his house. I have a colleague that had to sleep in her car – they ran out of gas. I have power and all of my friends and family are safe.

But something is different about me.

Maybe this is a short term change – but I highly doubt it.

I think that natural catastrophes change you forever. There is something about losing material items (for a time), not having one’s daily routines (regardless of simplicity), and dealing with an extreme sadness, anxiety, and gratitude all within one milo-second – that changes you. Well, changed me.

 At first, I thought my nerves were shot. I felt like I was coming down from an extreme emotional high. I thought that being home would bring me back; however while sitting on my parents couch completely engulfed in a big comforter – I still felt “different.” I had time with girlfriends, family, Mike, my reading, and the shopping centers – but still on the ride home, there were unknown and indescribable feelings. My feelings weren’t extreme – but I guess I know what it feels like to be touched.

It may honestly be how much time I took to reflect – a whole lot. When there are no lights and complete darkness – all you can do is think. It may be the fact that the last three weeks (even before the hurricane) have been a complete overload of events, situations, and emotions. There has been a lot going on – and this time may have been the time for me to slow down and think about it all. Or this storm was the cherry on top. Not sure.

My baby doll, Sara, I definitely cuddled her tight
this week. She may be material - but she is so important.

I cannot describe my mood through figurative language, big words, or comparisons – but what I can say is that I feel:

•  Extremely grateful for everything. There are people that didn’t survive this.
• I will never say that material things don't matter. BY FAR they don't mean as much as human life or love - but they matter - A LOT. I thought they didn't matter when I took for granted the small things - hot water, hot showers, soup, coffee, food preparation, lights at night...They matter.
•  I don’t have tolerance for ridiculous attitudes or people.
•  I don’t want to waste my time on the petty stuff.
•  I need to balance better – when I didn’t have the little things (the routines I take for granted) things didn’t feel good. I want to take more time to create and appreciate the little things.
•  I want to strip down and go back to the basics – what do I love? What are things that I want to do? I love style everything – why do I feel like I have been neglecting my interests?
•  My loved ones – Mike, family, friends – were there for me! How can I be there for them daily? I want to be a better friend, family member, and wife. It’s truly what’s important. There are also “friends” that are so instrumental – although we don’t talk on the phone, see one another, or have convos…how can I be a better virtual friend?
•  Put things in perspective: Why am I doing this job? Why do I work?  I think I've figured it out – time to focus on what’s important.
•  With my energy going towards – Mike, family, friends, special interest, and the important aspects of work – it’s time to cut out the extras. ASAP.

I feel focused in some ways, but scattered in other ways....