Be STILL

Shelby's Rambles and Reflections (my meaning of R&R):Y'all know the routine - stream of consciousness flow...

I've been here before and I never obey.

But before I jump into the madness of my mind - a few details: this week, I spent eight days in Martha's Vineyard. Some of the most relaxing days of my life.

Before the vineyard, I went through a lot of transitions... a lot of searching... and... I saw Martha's as a way of sorting it all out. I mean what better way to sort out one's feelings - reflection on the beach, with 16 family members, and time in complete island solitude...

We stayed in the house where Martin Luther King wrote part of his Dream speech. Malcolm X, Adam Clayton Powell Jr., Joe Louis, and Harry Belefonte had stayed in the house - it's where great black minds had reflected and gotten answers - it was going to be where I, too, would find the answers of my destiny...

Well, being the Good Lord (works on His time and not mine), He gave me revelations, but didn't give me the answer(s) that I wanted to hear.

LET THE Ramble begin: I wanted to hear the Lord tell me my next steps. I feel like I deserve to hear this. I've read books, watched television specials, and sat through a whole lot of testimonies about hearing God's voice. Hearing your EXACT CALLING.  I just knew in eight days - I would walk off of   sail off of the island with my future calling in my hands. No questions asked. However I continued to hear the Lord say BE STILL, BE PRESENT. Okay, okay, okay, Lord. No biggie. I have saved money and I don't necessarily need to have my next job immediately I will stay still.

Next day impatience sets in - okay God, I need an answer. My goodness. I have gotten every degree known to man. I used to know exactly who I was and what I was going to do! Am I going through a mid-quarter crisis?!? Is this what women go through when they don't have bigger issues to worry about?!? Is this some American spoiled woman issue - like why can't I get it together? Do I have too many choices? I know that I love pastries, but I don't like:  constant yelling, routine (every day the same dern desserts), food waste, catering to spoiled children and adults, being paid pennies but completely being overworked, I don't like the pace or the temperament of this business... I want my weekends and my holidays and my time with loved ones... NOTHING is more important than my God, my man, my family and my friends... NOTHING. So now what?

NOW WHAT, GOD. BE STILL?????? BE PATIENT???? FIND ME OR CREATE ME???? WHAT NEXT!!!! BLESS ME WITH PATIENCE (right now, please). What will my parents have to brag about? What will I tell people? "Hi my name is Shelby, and I am being still." NOOOOO.... I want to say who I am. I always said that my profession was not me...and it's not...but it is...I mean...I don't know. I want to find my next step. I'm tired of being this girl - in high school I WAS VOTED MOST LIKELY TO BE THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT OF THE US. Me, the woman that at age 28 is completely clueless about my next steps. Three careers in six years. BLLLLLAAAHHHHHHHHHH! BAHUMBUG! BAH-STINKIN-HUMBUG! I could tell you who I was going to be at the drop of a dime when I was 8, 16, 18, 21, 20 FREAKIN' 3 (23)...NOW I'M HERE! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. I DON'T WANT TO BE STILL. I WANT TO BE MOVING. I WANT TO BE...DANG'ON'IT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE (the issue at hand!!!!). I'm supposed to be changing the world right now, but instead I am sitting on my couch CONFUSED as I don't know what...

Okay, so wooooo-ssssssssaaaaaaahhhhhhh, great news is, I kinda wanna be someone that does a whole bunch of things - like my grandma. The woman literally never held down a job for too long -  she has been a model, a saleswoman for women's fashion, bridal fashion, men's shoes, she's worked at the museum, the playhouse, she's been a writer, a seamstress, a party planner, a stay at home mother, a stay at home wife, a hospice worker (her way of staying close to my grandfather during his final year), and many more... let's not even get into her volunteer work...

Maybe that's my calling...maybe I'm supposed to just let it flow. Until I figure it out though - I think I will obey this time and be still. Think about it. Pray about. Maybe even take a sabbatical. Weeks of simply prayer and reflection. I don't know... which leads me back to my original dilemma...

Be still it is. Is anyone else in this place? Ever been here? Any advice?


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