Diary Entry: Is Mike's life easier because I'm in it?

Last night, Mike and I vegged out on the couch watching the documentary, TIRED BLACK MAN.

Throughout the documentary the major theme was that the black man doesn't get "peace" at work, at home, and (one man said) at church. 

Either way, Mike thought the movie was hilarious,  insightful, and he was excited about the release of the male perspective. But for some reason, I felt like I think about this perspective constantly. My girl, Talisha and her fellow Harvard black grad. association had a discussion about the black man and his peace. And the men at the discussion began complaining about their lack of freedom from stress at home.

Me and my girl, Nana, had this conversation over brunch at Ben's Next Door in DC. We were talking about what it means to truly be a "PARTNER" in a relationship. Because so many times, we forget the the partnership aspect - it's more like  he's my man and he is SUPPOSED to do certain things - she's MY woman and supposed to do these chores.

Throughout my relationship with Mike he has told me constantly "baby, I want to make sure that you never have to work a job you don't want to or work for someone stiffling your creativity. I'm trynna give you the stress-free life." LOL. Now as much as I know that there is no such thing as a stress free life, especially once children are introduced into a marriage, I love the idea that Mike takes his role in this partnership so serious. He genuinely wants to be the partner that takes the brunt of the "financial/professional" stress in the relationship and I appreciate him for that.

But here recently, I've been really reflecting on the stress that I am taking off of Mike's back - like as his partner. Mike and I chose one another as life partners. We stood in front of the Lord, our family, our friends and [God willing] one day will stand in front of our children (and their children) and proclaim that we've decided to walk this long, fun, hard, trying, simple journey of life together. We've decided to fight life battles side by side, he has my back and I have his. We've decided to celebrate all of life's triumphs together - toasting and dancing with one another. For ten years, I've enjoyed knowing that Mike is by my side. We've consoled one another after the loss of loved ones, enjoyed nine Christmas's together, moved away from Cincinnati together, we've graduated high school and college together, and broken up just to get back together. He has been and will continue to be the earthly source of my greatest happiness, laughter, heartbreak, and tears. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I guess at the end of this long ramble, my point is that I constantly ask the Lord to allow me to be the source of betterment in this world. My nightmare is to leave this world unchanged. No one is better because of me. No one's life changed because Shelby was here. BUT I so rarely think of Mike's face when I pray on this. So often my source of motivation are strangers, acquaintances, the homeless, the needy, my friends. But I truly believe on my dying day, along with my actions as an individual I will have to answer to my actions as a life partner.

"What kind of life partner was I to Mike?" "Did I make his life easier?" "Is he a better person because I stood beside him through it all?"  

This all reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: History of Wife by Marilyn Yalom


“When one vows at the onset of a marriage to live together “for better or worse” one anticipates little of the “for worse” scenario. Yet heartache , tragedy, sickness and death are invariably a part of the marriage, especially in the later years. Then one is particularly grateful for the support and love of a lifelong partner- someone who remembers you as you once were and who continues to care for you as you are now. To be the intimate witness of another person’s life is a privilege one can full appreciate with time. To have weathered the storms of early and middle marriage- the turmoil of children, the death of one’s parents, the adult struggles of ones own children- can create an irreplaceable attachment to the person who has shared that history with you.”