Today, I failed.
“To fail is a natural consequence of trying, To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying”
- David Viscott, Psychiatrist
I failed a test. I failed a test that I tried really hard on. Like I literally gave it my all. I haven't failed an actual test in like 10 years. I thought I created something great. There were no errors in taste, no errors in production... but I failed. The funny thing is that when I heard my grade (a 73 - failing at my school) my stomach literally sank. I couldn't speak for fear of crying or saying something overly emotional - so I simply walked out and got upset in the restroom. Everything in me tensed up and I kept trying to repeat all the quotes about failure - "There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” - Colin Powell or Gandhi's "My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.” I thought of all the inventors like Benjamin Franklin that failed and said, "I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” Even several hours after I called my father devastated, "daddy...I failed..." was all that I could get out and then, "and I tried really hard...I gave it my best."
Before calling my dad I tried to work it out mentally by myself - replaying the moment that a panel of executive chefs voted my dessert best dessert three weeks ago. Or remembering the fact that I literally haven't gotten negative feedback on my food in so long - in fact just yesterday I got a compliment from my chef and others on my pastries.
But regardless of all the "failure" quotes, the compliments, my achievements, my knowledge that it's "just" a test - it hurt so badly. It literally crushed me and that may be really hard for some to understand. It hurt(s) to my core. It feels like CRAP giving your all and having someone tell you that you failed. It's embarrassing. I'm pissed because other people passed with amazing grades. I'm pissed for comparing and being competitive with others - we all have different journeys and shoes to walk in. I'm pissed because I was so confident and I'm mad because MY best was not good enough. My best was one of the worst in the class (again with the unhealthy comparisons). My best failed.
BUT with all that said I had to get it publicly off my chest - because at the end of the day - it's life. It's my life at least and if I'm going to announce my successes, I want to announce my failures, BECAUSE this is the way it goes. I failed today, but as Leo F. Buscaglia once said,“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
- David Viscott, Psychiatrist
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| bhc3.wordpress.com/ 2009/05/ I know I have sick humor. |
I failed a test. I failed a test that I tried really hard on. Like I literally gave it my all. I haven't failed an actual test in like 10 years. I thought I created something great. There were no errors in taste, no errors in production... but I failed. The funny thing is that when I heard my grade (a 73 - failing at my school) my stomach literally sank. I couldn't speak for fear of crying or saying something overly emotional - so I simply walked out and got upset in the restroom. Everything in me tensed up and I kept trying to repeat all the quotes about failure - "There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” - Colin Powell or Gandhi's "My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.” I thought of all the inventors like Benjamin Franklin that failed and said, "I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” Even several hours after I called my father devastated, "daddy...I failed..." was all that I could get out and then, "and I tried really hard...I gave it my best."
Before calling my dad I tried to work it out mentally by myself - replaying the moment that a panel of executive chefs voted my dessert best dessert three weeks ago. Or remembering the fact that I literally haven't gotten negative feedback on my food in so long - in fact just yesterday I got a compliment from my chef and others on my pastries.
But regardless of all the "failure" quotes, the compliments, my achievements, my knowledge that it's "just" a test - it hurt so badly. It literally crushed me and that may be really hard for some to understand. It hurt(s) to my core. It feels like CRAP giving your all and having someone tell you that you failed. It's embarrassing. I'm pissed because other people passed with amazing grades. I'm pissed for comparing and being competitive with others - we all have different journeys and shoes to walk in. I'm pissed because I was so confident and I'm mad because MY best was not good enough. My best was one of the worst in the class (again with the unhealthy comparisons). My best failed.
BUT with all that said I had to get it publicly off my chest - because at the end of the day - it's life. It's my life at least and if I'm going to announce my successes, I want to announce my failures, BECAUSE this is the way it goes. I failed today, but as Leo F. Buscaglia once said,“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
