Subway Confessions: Clutter And Good Friday

Here lately I've been wondering about my spiritual journey. What's going on with me. Why am I not connecting? I feel so distant - not at peace. I feel like the only time I'm  at peace is when I buy food and cook.  Other than the quiet moments in the kitchen, I'm like a chicken with my head cut off. Like I didn't even think about the fact that it's Good Friday until my 10 min. prayer time this morning.

This from a woman that used to be very aware of Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter. Actually aware is not the right word...I was...mmmhow'do'you'say'it?...
into it...meditative...I celebrated? Shesh, the word won't come to me. The word is on the tip of my nose (or somewhere in between my brain and my tongue).

Quick facts: Its 6 am and I'm on the train while writing this - I haven't had my banana, apple, or hard boiled egg yet. I've had one cup of joe - most of which I spilled all over myself while running to a train that didn't exists. I thought I heard the train - I was running late - so Einsteen ran all the way to the train - there was no train. In fact, I waited almost 15 minutes for the train that I'm on now...

Anyways, although my moods are centered. I'm not. No matter what I do - pray more, read the bible,  sit still (okay I never sit still and be quiet) - I can't seem to connect. And then this morning it donned on me, I'm too cluttered! Far too cluttered.

Yesterday our kitchen was buzzing - lots of customers, lots of "help", lots of mess, a few different trails. Everything and everyone was everywhere - it completely took me off my game. I was supposed to be in charge of production, but I was frantic.  At one point my chef took me aside and told me I needed to calm down - was I that obvious?

Well, I guess hiding in the walk in freezer gorging myself with chocolate and hyperventilating is a bit obvious. All this to say, I literally tried everything to calm down - took a lunch break, breathed, etc. Nothing worked - until - I started organizing - cleaning dishes, wiping counters, assigning everyone a task that helped us work clean and organized. I even ask two people to do things outside of the kitchen. All of a sudden everything brightened for me. I was able to breath. My day looked lighter.

I realized at that moment (something people have been telling me for years) that I can't work in chaos. Up until that moment - I thought it was a major weakness that I got so frazzled, when everything wasn't typed out, steps weren't laid out (preferably in an excel tracker), clean, put in the same spot, etc. But I realize now that it's just me.

Which leads me to my life. I'm cluttered and chaotic inside. I think about too much (worry), I talk too much (before thinking and listening), I'm gorging myself on everything - I'm taking everything in and I'm cluttered. So therefore connecting to myself, Christ, the environment, organizing myself, etc.  is difficult, because I'm so full (of crap) and chaotic inside...

Now for figuring out next steps? I dunno...but the first step is admitting that I have a problem, right?

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