Seasonal friend vs. a lifelong friend...
What separates a friendship that is broken forever and one that is restored?
July and August (so far) have been amazing months - because they've created a platform for me to hang out with and talk to many of my friends (new and old). It has felt terrific. Absolutely incredible.
However while sitting at a restaurant talking to a really good friend that has known me for over ten years, something interesting popped up. We were talking about a get together that occurred with a group of girls that we are both know. I was unable to make it considering the fact that I live really far away, but I asked her why she didn't go? Her reply: "I can't be in the room with Such-an-Such."
So, she missed a fun time with awesome people due to Such-an-Such (who happens to be a really fun girl)? I know the history between my friend and SAS (Such-an-Such) - so there was no explanation necessary. I did tell her that I thought it was crazy that she didn't hang out, because of one person. That's when she said, "I'm not like you - I can't be friends with people that have done me dirty."
What a blow. I've never considered myself a person that has a dirty past with friends - so I quickly tried to defend myself by listing off all the people (that we mutually know) that I was NOT cool with but nice to. I told her - my style (when it comes to a major fallout) is to let the offending party know how I feel at the moment, but after that we can be cordial - but never friends. I would never miss a party or get together because my ex-friend is there or mess up a good time by making things awkward between me and my ex. That said, I never call these people and we never hang out one-on-one. In my opinion, once a line has been crossed - our personal relationship is finished, but that doesn't stop me from seeing your beauty as a person. As far as I am concerned - I will hold my friends down through anything (I will fight with you or for you, go through ups and downs, etc) - we can have months of not talking (due to busy lives) - but once messiness starts to steep into our relationship (betrayal, a lack of loyalty, gossip, etc.) we no longer have that relationship.
I felt good explaining this to her - as she nodded her head listening intently. We continued to talk over our food - but just as I was finishing up my post-food coffee - she said calmly, "well - can you explain your relationship with BLAH, BLAH, and Blah." I sat there - she was right - I do have friends where our history is quite messy. Yikes. And as I sat there searching for answers - I didn't have any. I couldn't explain what separated my messy-history friends from ones that I would never consider friends again...
None of them had committed CRAZY betrayals... so why the inconsistency?
After our lunch, I searched for answers - talking to many of my good girlfriends (esp. my high school and college friends), Mike, the Lord, and my parents: what separates a friendship that is broken from one that is restored? The question haunted me for some reason - maybe fear that I was missing out on awesome relationships, because of my challenge to continue the friendship... I'm not sure...
But then the answer came to me sooooo randomly! This is totally a TRUE STORY!
Mike and I are taking an Olympics break. We are flipping through channels. He stops when he sees Caroline Manzo's face. "Babe, there is your girl," he says. Although I don't watch the NJ Housewives - I love Caroline. "Yeah, babe, wait let me see what she is saying - I love when she talks - she is so serious!" We laugh. We pause. She says to another cast member, (this is not the exact quote, but sums it up) "I don't care how nice she is being - or how it feels like old times - until she admits her wrongs - there is still an issue."
THE LIGHT GOES OFF. EXACTLY. It reminded me of times when I would be sooo bratty to my mother. And then try to be super sweet to get back on her good side. She would give me the SUPER cold shoulder. "Mom," I would say, "I'm sorry, geez." Her reply, "for what?!" She didn't want the response "for making you feel bad!" She wanted me to admit to my actions. Admit to the harsh words - the things that I did. That was how she knew that I was sorry.
At that point, I looked at Mike and ask him to cut off the television - THAT'S IT, Sweetie. EVERY relationship that had been mended in my life (including where I was in the wrong) had been mended after a serious conversation ensued and wrongs had been admitted. They weren't just pick up and go relationships. They weren't "oh now everything is okay" or even "opps...my bad." They weren't I did this "BUT you did this." They were real conversations about the hurt caused, the actions done, and moments of true forgiveness.
And I think that's it - that's how you know someone is sorry. I think there comes a point in any relationship - romantic, family, friends, bosses, etc. that sweeping it under the rug gets old. When relationships can't keep chugging without true conversations. When the person that is wronged continually just gets tired of being a doormat...
I mean even when you think of Christ's unconditional love for us - He tells us the importance of "confessing" admitting your actions to Him (although He already knows them), asking for forgiveness, and then turning your back on your wrong ways. Unconditional love or love at any point doesn't consist of staying in a relationship and just taking wrong doing (cheating, beating, betrayals, etc.) and mean-spirited attacks without a genuine apology. Yes, you can still love the person and pray for their well-being - from a far - but (in my book) the relationship is over. I do understand that I could be wrong...but if enduring and accepting hurtful behavior while in a relationship is unconditional love ...then (unfortunately) I don't have unconditional love for anyone...and no one has unconditional love for me...(I am not a parent yet - things may change)
All in all, I think that's why my friends have forgiven me and that's why I have forgiven my friends. And our relationships flourish. Even with me and Mike - we have a history (most good but some bad) and we will have a future - but I think what keeps us going strong is the conversations that are tough and humbling. Where you literally have to suck it up and realize that your actions have caused a person that you love pain (whether you meant it or not).
We are all human - we will screw up in relationships - cause (intentional and unintentional) pain. It's life, love, and relationships. It's impossible and unfair to hold people to a "can't mess up" standard or be in a relationship where you are held at an unreasonable standard. Butif when you or your friend falls and messes up - if it's a relationship worth restoring - I think self-reflection, true admittance, and a sincere apology is what separates the seasonal friend and the lifelong friend...
So to answer my friend's question (you better read this, chick) - it's not that I am just exceptionally forgiving or have this innate ability to be friends with those that do me dirty (95% of my friends and I have an extremely healthy relationship - no drama in our past or present), it's not that I've always loved "blah, blah, and blah" more than "you know who" (in fact when I rethink the relationship - YKW is freakin' awesome), but it's the admittance and the apology...it's the fact that YKW isn't sorry at all or sorry (or humble...or the relationship isn't important) enough for her to come to me and truly admit to her wrongs...and for that, we can't continue...
July and August (so far) have been amazing months - because they've created a platform for me to hang out with and talk to many of my friends (new and old). It has felt terrific. Absolutely incredible.
However while sitting at a restaurant talking to a really good friend that has known me for over ten years, something interesting popped up. We were talking about a get together that occurred with a group of girls that we are both know. I was unable to make it considering the fact that I live really far away, but I asked her why she didn't go? Her reply: "I can't be in the room with Such-an-Such."
So, she missed a fun time with awesome people due to Such-an-Such (who happens to be a really fun girl)? I know the history between my friend and SAS (Such-an-Such) - so there was no explanation necessary. I did tell her that I thought it was crazy that she didn't hang out, because of one person. That's when she said, "I'm not like you - I can't be friends with people that have done me dirty."
What a blow. I've never considered myself a person that has a dirty past with friends - so I quickly tried to defend myself by listing off all the people (that we mutually know) that I was NOT cool with but nice to. I told her - my style (when it comes to a major fallout) is to let the offending party know how I feel at the moment, but after that we can be cordial - but never friends. I would never miss a party or get together because my ex-friend is there or mess up a good time by making things awkward between me and my ex. That said, I never call these people and we never hang out one-on-one. In my opinion, once a line has been crossed - our personal relationship is finished, but that doesn't stop me from seeing your beauty as a person. As far as I am concerned - I will hold my friends down through anything (I will fight with you or for you, go through ups and downs, etc) - we can have months of not talking (due to busy lives) - but once messiness starts to steep into our relationship (betrayal, a lack of loyalty, gossip, etc.) we no longer have that relationship.
I felt good explaining this to her - as she nodded her head listening intently. We continued to talk over our food - but just as I was finishing up my post-food coffee - she said calmly, "well - can you explain your relationship with BLAH, BLAH, and Blah." I sat there - she was right - I do have friends where our history is quite messy. Yikes. And as I sat there searching for answers - I didn't have any. I couldn't explain what separated my messy-history friends from ones that I would never consider friends again...
None of them had committed CRAZY betrayals... so why the inconsistency?
After our lunch, I searched for answers - talking to many of my good girlfriends (esp. my high school and college friends), Mike, the Lord, and my parents: what separates a friendship that is broken from one that is restored? The question haunted me for some reason - maybe fear that I was missing out on awesome relationships, because of my challenge to continue the friendship... I'm not sure...
But then the answer came to me sooooo randomly! This is totally a TRUE STORY!
Mike and I are taking an Olympics break. We are flipping through channels. He stops when he sees Caroline Manzo's face. "Babe, there is your girl," he says. Although I don't watch the NJ Housewives - I love Caroline. "Yeah, babe, wait let me see what she is saying - I love when she talks - she is so serious!" We laugh. We pause. She says to another cast member, (this is not the exact quote, but sums it up) "I don't care how nice she is being - or how it feels like old times - until she admits her wrongs - there is still an issue."
THE LIGHT GOES OFF. EXACTLY. It reminded me of times when I would be sooo bratty to my mother. And then try to be super sweet to get back on her good side. She would give me the SUPER cold shoulder. "Mom," I would say, "I'm sorry, geez." Her reply, "for what?!" She didn't want the response "for making you feel bad!" She wanted me to admit to my actions. Admit to the harsh words - the things that I did. That was how she knew that I was sorry.
At that point, I looked at Mike and ask him to cut off the television - THAT'S IT, Sweetie. EVERY relationship that had been mended in my life (including where I was in the wrong) had been mended after a serious conversation ensued and wrongs had been admitted. They weren't just pick up and go relationships. They weren't "oh now everything is okay" or even "opps...my bad." They weren't I did this "BUT you did this." They were real conversations about the hurt caused, the actions done, and moments of true forgiveness.
And I think that's it - that's how you know someone is sorry. I think there comes a point in any relationship - romantic, family, friends, bosses, etc. that sweeping it under the rug gets old. When relationships can't keep chugging without true conversations. When the person that is wronged continually just gets tired of being a doormat...
I mean even when you think of Christ's unconditional love for us - He tells us the importance of "confessing" admitting your actions to Him (although He already knows them), asking for forgiveness, and then turning your back on your wrong ways. Unconditional love or love at any point doesn't consist of staying in a relationship and just taking wrong doing (cheating, beating, betrayals, etc.) and mean-spirited attacks without a genuine apology. Yes, you can still love the person and pray for their well-being - from a far - but (in my book) the relationship is over. I do understand that I could be wrong...but if enduring and accepting hurtful behavior while in a relationship is unconditional love ...then (unfortunately) I don't have unconditional love for anyone...and no one has unconditional love for me...(I am not a parent yet - things may change)
All in all, I think that's why my friends have forgiven me and that's why I have forgiven my friends. And our relationships flourish. Even with me and Mike - we have a history (most good but some bad) and we will have a future - but I think what keeps us going strong is the conversations that are tough and humbling. Where you literally have to suck it up and realize that your actions have caused a person that you love pain (whether you meant it or not).
We are all human - we will screw up in relationships - cause (intentional and unintentional) pain. It's life, love, and relationships. It's impossible and unfair to hold people to a "can't mess up" standard or be in a relationship where you are held at an unreasonable standard. But
So to answer my friend's question (you better read this, chick) - it's not that I am just exceptionally forgiving or have this innate ability to be friends with those that do me dirty (95% of my friends and I have an extremely healthy relationship - no drama in our past or present), it's not that I've always loved "blah, blah, and blah" more than "you know who" (in fact when I rethink the relationship - YKW is freakin' awesome), but it's the admittance and the apology...it's the fact that YKW isn't sorry at all or sorry (or humble...or the relationship isn't important) enough for her to come to me and truly admit to her wrongs...and for that, we can't continue...
