I AM A WARRIOR...

Diary Entry:
10/18/2009

Last month in Glamour magazine there was a feature on "happy couples". Most of the couples were literally together less than five years, which is not something that I look down on, but it makes me wonder is that what love and being in a partnership for life is all about? Heck, is that what life is about? And if it is all about being happy is that why there are so many divorces? "Hey, I am not happy anymore...let's just quit"... So many empty dreams? Is love, life and marriage about simply being happy? And if you aren't happy should you give up...does it mean that your relationship, career choice, life is not worth fighting for?

When you see people that have been together for +50 years did they stay together because of happiness? Were most their days filled with pure happiness? I don't know...

To be completely honest, the first two years of my marriage were extremely amazing and I was always happy. And wanted to believe that this was what my life would consist of "happiness"...I was finished with being upset, feeling flawed, and disappointed. However, as with everything things changed.

Due to some changes that I will be revealing at a later time (wait for the diary to be released) I am not happy all the time anymore. In fact, when reading "The Diary" some may be alarmed at where I have emotionally been...

I mean don't get me wrong, there are happy times, I feel blessed that Mike is my husband, I have a good life and I have joy in the midst of the "storm" but I am not HAPPY (or at least haven't been for about three months). Happiness to me is about happenings...and my circumstances are not ones in which I am "happy" about. And as much as I look forward to being "happy" again, I cannot help but know that this is a harsh reality of life. I have been through unhappy periods before and I will go through them again. The key is (I have learned through biblestudy, good advice, and the Word):

To keep on walking...keep on trying...keep on fighting...keep on working hard...in fact work harder and keep your head up and towards the brighter days.

This is really hard to do especially in the days of "happiness"... where there is a pill, drink, vacation resort, paper, book, dessert, diet plan, exercise, surgery, flower, pair of shoes, dress, and/or amount of money that will get you happiness. But what I am realizing day by day is that it's not that simple and life is not about happiness and nor is marriage...I mean, I am a girl who loves to be happy but I realize that to be happy all the time is not living life and in order to have the marriage that I strive for, the career of my dreams, one day be the mother that I aim to be and heck, be the woman that I know God is preparing me to be...I HAVE TO LET GO of my views of life and happiness and realize that until I can continually walk through the storm and work harder and fight through crappy circumstances...then I will never become "equipped" for battle. And if I don't go through a battle, I can never get to where I want to be.

So, (God willing) in 60 years when some young girl asks me, "how did you do it?" I will look at my marriage, my career and the woman that I am and say, "I savoured the happy times and walked through the unhappy times... in fact, I walked into the battle and fought for what I wanted...I am a warrior."