I'm so UPSET!
I've always have a very close relationship with Jesus. When I was a little girl, I would talk to Him out loud all day and night. People would ask, "are you talking to your imaginary friend?" "Nope, I'm talking to Jesus," I would say in a very matter-of-fact voice.
And when it was testimony time in church - you know when the pastor asks, "does anyone have a testimony?"
The whole congregation would sit still and then a little hand from the audience would raise up. It was a small Pentecostal church and my father was a deacon in the pulpit. So, as SOON as the pastor would ask, my dad would lock eyes with my mother, "like please just let her sit in her seat - no testimony today." But I didn't get the message, so my hand would raise. The pastor would call on me and I would slowly walk down the aisle as the whole church would ignite in applause and "HE SPEAKS TO THE BABIES, TOO, SAINTS."
The pastor would hand me the microphone and I would go on about the conversation that me and God had that day, how God had pointed out my missing barbie shoe, and how although I just got a spanking, God let me forgive my parents and I love them again (giving them a smile to let them know they were forgiven by me and God).
As, I got older and felt way too cool to tell testimonies in church. I started writing Jesus letters - like not in journal form but in literal letter form. While in school, I would write. On the bus, I would write. In my room at night, I would write. I would store these letters in this little green and white striped box and in the drawers of my "room work desk." I would write happy things, dark things, teenage angst things, and things that my only bff needed to know. I could stay in my room and write to Jesus for hours - all I needed was a bag of Sour Patch Kids and my music headphones.
There were so many times when I felt like it was JUST me and Him. We were sidekicks and needed no one.
As I've gotten older, I still have my conversations, but I've gotten really knowledge hungry. I now want to know all that I can know about Jesus. I want to know how He thinks, how He was in human form, I want to know what makes Him tick, smile, happy, sad, and who were His friends. I want to know Him in and out. No detail left uncovered. I no longer want a one-person relationship. So, I find myself still sitting for hours reading the Word, fictional and nonfictional Christian books, devotionals, study materials. Sometimes I sit in silence, other times I sit with my music.
The other day, I sat in the same spot late at night reading the Word with a glass of wine and two mini- double chocolate brownies. I literally fell asleep reading about Moses, Aaron and their drama with the Israelites. In my daily letters to God, I sometimes get mad at Him, question Him, thank Him... it's the typical bffship.
Which leads me to yesterday. After a date with Mike, we decided to stop at Barnes and Noble. I swear I live there. So, as he scanned his books, I went to my favorite sections: new releases, food, and religion. On the new releases section there was a book about how Jesus isn't "needed" anymore, which definitely gave me a quick chest pain. But then while scanning all the religion titles, I ran into a title called,
And when it was testimony time in church - you know when the pastor asks, "does anyone have a testimony?"
The whole congregation would sit still and then a little hand from the audience would raise up. It was a small Pentecostal church and my father was a deacon in the pulpit. So, as SOON as the pastor would ask, my dad would lock eyes with my mother, "like please just let her sit in her seat - no testimony today." But I didn't get the message, so my hand would raise. The pastor would call on me and I would slowly walk down the aisle as the whole church would ignite in applause and "HE SPEAKS TO THE BABIES, TOO, SAINTS."
The pastor would hand me the microphone and I would go on about the conversation that me and God had that day, how God had pointed out my missing barbie shoe, and how although I just got a spanking, God let me forgive my parents and I love them again (giving them a smile to let them know they were forgiven by me and God).
As, I got older and felt way too cool to tell testimonies in church. I started writing Jesus letters - like not in journal form but in literal letter form. While in school, I would write. On the bus, I would write. In my room at night, I would write. I would store these letters in this little green and white striped box and in the drawers of my "room work desk." I would write happy things, dark things, teenage angst things, and things that my only bff needed to know. I could stay in my room and write to Jesus for hours - all I needed was a bag of Sour Patch Kids and my music headphones.
There were so many times when I felt like it was JUST me and Him. We were sidekicks and needed no one.
As I've gotten older, I still have my conversations, but I've gotten really knowledge hungry. I now want to know all that I can know about Jesus. I want to know how He thinks, how He was in human form, I want to know what makes Him tick, smile, happy, sad, and who were His friends. I want to know Him in and out. No detail left uncovered. I no longer want a one-person relationship. So, I find myself still sitting for hours reading the Word, fictional and nonfictional Christian books, devotionals, study materials. Sometimes I sit in silence, other times I sit with my music.
The other day, I sat in the same spot late at night reading the Word with a glass of wine and two mini- double chocolate brownies. I literally fell asleep reading about Moses, Aaron and their drama with the Israelites. In my daily letters to God, I sometimes get mad at Him, question Him, thank Him... it's the typical bffship.
Which leads me to yesterday. After a date with Mike, we decided to stop at Barnes and Noble. I swear I live there. So, as he scanned his books, I went to my favorite sections: new releases, food, and religion. On the new releases section there was a book about how Jesus isn't "needed" anymore, which definitely gave me a quick chest pain. But then while scanning all the religion titles, I ran into a title called,
"Jesus died for this?"
It's like a ton of bricks swung and hit me in the chest. My bff, the one that has comforted me my whole life, the one that has stood still and been with me since a babe... was not only brutally murdered, but He was murdered for us.... for me. And what for? Yes, our sin but... I don't know. It just feels like we don't care. Even now, I am so emotional. It's like yes, it happened years ago. But this gentle, intelligent, caring, humanitarian in his 30s was hung on a cross, beaten, stabbed, spit on, and it feels like "what for?" DO we even care?
Long story short, Mike found me crying in that section of the bookstore.Yes, you heard me. In my all black (black jeans, black ribbon shirt, black trench and beautiful gold detailing) date outfit. I looked a HAUTE mess and I didn't care.
