Wait Til They See Our Smile...
To the average eye, the house looks empty but there's just a touch of light on. A cup of Chamomile tea rests on the coffee table. I'm in my mandarin pajama dress and curled on the couch - tears are rolling down my face. My makeup has been removed, hair is pulled back in a tight bun, Mike is asleep, the house is dark and silent. It's just me and this computer. Before this moment, I was reading through my journal entries and immediately began reliving moments of both joy and also of intense sadness. And for some reason, I got stuck on the moments of pain...
I am consumed by feelings of anger, betrayal, and embarrassment. I remember the teachers that accused me of things I didn't do. I hear the nay-Sayers ("I can't see you accomplishing this..." or "you are just not good at...") and my skin crawls when I think of the betrayals of years past. I am channeled back to my parents' room circa mid-90's through the early-2000s, I am on the phone and I am being rejected, cursed at, lied to, and lied on. I think about all the times I held my head up while my heart and spirit were breaking into tiny pieces within my body. I remember hoping that my eyes weren't the windows to my soul.
I feel like Aladdin on my magic carpet, I am traveling through the dark moments of my life via the pages of my journals...I can't escape my darkness. I am mentally spiraling out of control.
I turn the air-condition up and the temperature down...I am hot, my skin is tight and air is caught in my lungs. All I can say at this moment is, "Lord, please help me."
And like the Lord is my personal Genie and He has snapped his fingers, I am transported to another land. I begin to think about all the people that have held me up through my darkest moments. I think of the make-up moments and the deeper relationships that grew out of the hurt. I try to remember that first word after the days, weeks, or months of silence between two friends. I laugh at the off-color jokes, the deep secrets, the unmasking, and the ridiculousness that people were willing to let come out of their mouths to lift my spirit. I giggle hysterically at some of the most well-intentioned but worst advice I've received. I think of the inspirational and complimentary e-mails...
I think of my life as it stands today...and although there are still tears rolling down my face, I am smiling.
And I am extremely cold...
I am consumed by feelings of anger, betrayal, and embarrassment. I remember the teachers that accused me of things I didn't do. I hear the nay-Sayers ("I can't see you accomplishing this..." or "you are just not good at...") and my skin crawls when I think of the betrayals of years past. I am channeled back to my parents' room circa mid-90's through the early-2000s, I am on the phone and I am being rejected, cursed at, lied to, and lied on. I think about all the times I held my head up while my heart and spirit were breaking into tiny pieces within my body. I remember hoping that my eyes weren't the windows to my soul.
I feel like Aladdin on my magic carpet, I am traveling through the dark moments of my life via the pages of my journals...I can't escape my darkness. I am mentally spiraling out of control.
I turn the air-condition up and the temperature down...I am hot, my skin is tight and air is caught in my lungs. All I can say at this moment is, "Lord, please help me."
And like the Lord is my personal Genie and He has snapped his fingers, I am transported to another land. I begin to think about all the people that have held me up through my darkest moments. I think of the make-up moments and the deeper relationships that grew out of the hurt. I try to remember that first word after the days, weeks, or months of silence between two friends. I laugh at the off-color jokes, the deep secrets, the unmasking, and the ridiculousness that people were willing to let come out of their mouths to lift my spirit. I giggle hysterically at some of the most well-intentioned but worst advice I've received. I think of the inspirational and complimentary e-mails...
I think of my life as it stands today...and although there are still tears rolling down my face, I am smiling.
And I am extremely cold...
For every single person that knows EXACTLY how betrayal, embarrasement and rejection feels...what til they see our smile!
