Baby Blues: Deuce

Again, this was written last Saturday :) Anyways, thought I would explain my lack of baby blues. Had to break up the article, though. 

Here's why: 

Let's get the obvious out of the way - I'm blessed to have encouraging and helpful family and friends. I'm blessed to be healthy and to have a healthy husband and baby. Health and positivity are constantly surrounding me and my loved ones. I am also blessed that my hormone spike has not been one that I haven't experienced... which leads me to my action steps and blessings:

• i was born a writer. In my opinion, the biggest blessing God has given me (outside of others surrounding me) is my desire to write. not necessarily - skill, talent, etc. but since early childhood - I've written in journals
• these journals (electronic and written) serve as a character study of myself
• In April, i read over my journal - the one that documented my first trimester of pregnancy (the pits) and i realized there were some major trends:
• my hormones spiked like cray cray 
• i isolated myself (home, work, home)
• i didn't talk to people about how i was feeling (couldn't explain hormones without also telling about my hidden pregnancy)
• didn't go outside (it was the winter/late fall months) 
• engulfed in darkness (left for work it was dark/ leaving work it was dark) 
• didn't enjoy fashion (to busy hiding baby bump) 
• didn't cook (hated the smell of food and felt exhausted), but there is something in delivery food, fast food, and even highly processed food that depresses when consumed at high levels
• didn't listen to my body (too busy trying to be everything to everyone instead of resting and allowing myself to be pregnant) 
• no reflection/prayer/personal time (i was upset and found no solace in time alone - rather watch law&order: svu) 
• i wasn't positive thinking (i allowed myself to let my negative thoughts consume me) 
• i allowed other people to dictate my entire life experience (cannot expand on this one and quite frankly i don't have answers)
• i barely read - again, too exhausted to read (exhausted from work, hiding secrets, being dishonest with myself and others...)
•  All that i know is that in one entry i wrote the following:  

"lord, i don't want my baby to feel this [sadness]. i don't want him/her to know me as this woman. i have to get out of this [funk]..." 

• like my mom taught me - happy mommy equals happy baby. i believe this to my core - i believe (like written in the books, baby wise/hot mama) it's all about a strong foundation - your baby is entering your world...make sure you, your marriage, and your life routines are strong. a baby should not be the center of your world - a baby feels stable, confident and loved when entering something strong and healthy
• that said here are my musts: 
• ever since april, i've gone outside daily 
• i swim, walk, do yoga, get some activity in at least four times a week 
• i reflect, pray, meditate or/and read my word every morning (or evening) 
• i cook healthy and fresh foods at least five times a week 
• i take a shower, put on make up, dress in clean/ neat clothes daily - when neik neik sleeps 
• i talk to friends and family often throughout the day
• when i heard about the hormones and difficulty with motherhood - i asked my mom to come stay with me (biggest blessing ever) 
• i have been honest with myself about what i can do and what i cannot. i listen to myself daily and i don't try to push it... i don't try to be super mom... i enjoy this journey for what it's worth. 
• i put all trust in the lord - i read the books, do the research, listen to the pediatrician and the advice of others BUT then i look at my life, my baby, and pray to my God and create my motherhood rules (or follow the advice)... no comparing... just letting it all flow.

but to be completely honest, none of this would work, if i wasn't married to mike. he's the wind beneath my wings - corny, yes. but honestly, he is so helpful. we both get up at night and during the mornings (so i get my all my rest). which is why supplementing and pumping (both "oh man" moments) have turned out to be lifesaving.  he is so good about giving me breaks - "go rest. go outside. take your walk. i got it" - and for once i'm good about accepting his help. i take his advice - he's known me for 13 years... he knows when i am tired, hungry, or getting burnt out.  

i guess, i write this to say - it's important to know yourself. i am not good about being proactive. but i am good about writing it down, reading it, and then tweaking...well, i've started being good at the tweaking.