"Girl, you better change that last name..."
So, the other day my friend Charles wrote me about the "last name" discussion - he was interested in hearing my opinion on women changing their last names after marriage...so, I thought and thought and thought...I mean, it's clear, I don't have a strong opinion based on my name Shelby Stone- Steel...all I knew is I wanted to be both a Stone and a Steel.
So knowing that he is an amazing writer, I asked him to write the story instead and what did I get a stinkin' masterpiece that's written from the viewpoint of a man that told his fiance "girl...you better change that last name..." This is a MUST READ!
Enjoy,
Shelby S.
Last Names
By Charles Kellom
Growing up my mother, step-father and I all had three different last names. Long story short: I have my biological father’s last name, and when my mother married my step-dad, she chose not to change her last name. You can imagine the insults and jokes my friends would make whenever they stopped by and saw the little confused looking mailbox in front of our house with all three of our full names on it, or the stories the mailman must’ve created and told himself over and over to explain the family situation happening on Cheyenne Drive. And while my mother had a number of reasons for not changing her last name, I believe the main reason had to do with her wanting to maintain her sense of independence and identity.
While a married woman having a different last name than her husband isn’t so out of the norm now, it still isn’t the standard. And it’s clear that many women feel a significant amount of pressure around the issue. Many professional women I know use their maiden names on business cards, office title placards, and emails accounts, even if legally, they’ve taken on their husband’s name in some way. On Facebook, I see more and more of my married female friends jokingly use their maiden name as a nickname (for example, Donna ‘Jenkins’ Smith). I’m sure there are a lot of different reasons for this – simplicity; trying to avoid confusion – but the question still remains, why go to the trouble of legally changing your name, only to still represent yourself in a different way?
Whether a woman chooses to change her last name after marriage – and whether or not she chooses to follow tradition – has identity implications for both her and her husband. People tend to make significant value judgments about everything from a couple’s religious devotion, to the woman’s strength and self-confidence, to the man’s assertiveness and virility based on her decision. For Black Americans, the fact that a large part of our identity as a community has to do with strength and independence makes matters worse.
On one hand, men are socialized to think that a strong Black man should be able to persuade, seduce, or control his woman in to wanting to take his last name in marriage. If he can’t, then he isn’t strong enough to truly be considered a man, especially not a Black man. On the other, more and more women are being socialized to think that a strong Black woman shouldn’t give up her maiden name. If she does, then there’s an implication that she isn’t being a “modern woman,” and isn’t strong enough to be considered a Black woman. What’s worse for women though is that even if she does decide to keep her maiden name, she’ll often be labeled as “too feminist,” or “too strong,” especially by more conservative, yet still highly influential institutions like Black churches, which tend to associate the success of Black women with the demasculinization of Black men in America.
All of this can turn the woman’s decision of whether or not to change her last name in to another battle ground for Black couples, creating more obstacles in the way of our love, and more division amongst our community. So what’s really in a name? If a married woman’s last name is the defining sign or signal of her identity, and the identity of her newly-formed family, what is the modern Black couple to do? There are a number of different approaches, or traditions, to choose from, but which one offers the most freedom and credibility, and allows you to avoid all the cultural criticism and drama?
Many married Black women have begun hyphenating their last names. This tradition seems to be getting more and more popular within our community: probably because it implies that a woman’s independence and individuality can be equal to her reliance and solidarity to her husband. The hyphen is like a little grammatical bridge, that crosses any gaps, gorges, or ravines between a woman’s identity when she was single, and her new identity as a wife. And while hyphenating still isn’t as popular as the ‘old-school’ tradition of a woman’s last name matching her husband’s, it’s becoming so visible that in the next few years, it may very well become the standard.
But does it solve the issue? As I said before, a number of women hyphenate their last names legally, but are still hesitant to make their decision widely-known. And what about any children that are born from the relationship? Should their last names be hyphenated, as well? What about the husband? Should men begin hyphenate their last names with their wife’s maiden name so everything is uniform? A quick Google search brought me a 2007 USAToday article that showed more men in America are not just hyphenating – their taking on their wife’s maiden name. But most men I know still get extremely agitated when people confuse their wife’s hyphenated last name as being their own.
I’m getting married myself soon (less than three months!), and name-changing was actually one of the first things my fiancée and I talked about when we started discussing the possibility of marriage. I pretty much told her that if she ever wanted to marry me, she’d have to be willing to change her last name to Kellom – no ifs, ands, buts, or hyphens. She had always liked the idea of hyphenating, and so she calmly reminded me that she could do “whatever she damn-well pleased,” with her own name. Fair enough. So I replied pleasantly, “I guess we’ll just never get married.”
My great-uncle always told me, “You only get one name,” which was his way of saying, “Never sacrifice your integrity.” Great advice. But it’s advice from a man who served in World War II. Today, a woman hopefully has more ways to express her identity, and preserve her integrity, than by just keeping her last name. However, with the struggles they face as far as their value and lack of opportunities in the job market; the over-sexualized portrayals that represent them in popular media; and the plain-old racism they live and breathe everyday, in how many more ways does today’s society demand for women, especially Black women, to sacrifice their name – their integrity – than it did in the past?
I’m blessed to be in love with someone who has an abundance of outlets to express her individuality. So many in fact, that I didn’t have to beg too hard to get her to change her mind and see it my way. It was a decision we came to together, and it works for our situation: it’s the path we’re willing to walk together. But if retaining her maiden name, or hyphenating it, is the way a woman has chosen to maintain her truest sense of integrity, then she who is worthy of standing in her way?
What’s in a name? For Black America, nothing less than everything. Sometimes it feels like that’s all we have. And if that’s true for you – that your name is all you have, then don’t compromise it. But don’t make that choice just because of some tradition or trend. The best way for our families to show our independence, to assert our values, and to represent our solidarity is by making the decision to go with whatever-the-hell last name option makes the most sense for that family. Nothing should be off the table. Maybe you hyphenate, maybe you assimilate; maybe you combine both the wife and husband’s last names to make something new. The point is to find something what works for you – and if you can’t find a tradition out there that fits, make one up. It’s your family. The happiness, fulfillment, and confidence you feel, from waking up everyday in the arms of one who celebrates and accentuates your integrity, your individuality, and the truest sense of your personal identity, is what makes a family, nothing else.
So knowing that he is an amazing writer, I asked him to write the story instead and what did I get a stinkin' masterpiece that's written from the viewpoint of a man that told his fiance "girl...you better change that last name..." This is a MUST READ!
Enjoy,
Shelby S.
Last Names
By Charles Kellom
Growing up my mother, step-father and I all had three different last names. Long story short: I have my biological father’s last name, and when my mother married my step-dad, she chose not to change her last name. You can imagine the insults and jokes my friends would make whenever they stopped by and saw the little confused looking mailbox in front of our house with all three of our full names on it, or the stories the mailman must’ve created and told himself over and over to explain the family situation happening on Cheyenne Drive. And while my mother had a number of reasons for not changing her last name, I believe the main reason had to do with her wanting to maintain her sense of independence and identity.
While a married woman having a different last name than her husband isn’t so out of the norm now, it still isn’t the standard. And it’s clear that many women feel a significant amount of pressure around the issue. Many professional women I know use their maiden names on business cards, office title placards, and emails accounts, even if legally, they’ve taken on their husband’s name in some way. On Facebook, I see more and more of my married female friends jokingly use their maiden name as a nickname (for example, Donna ‘Jenkins’ Smith). I’m sure there are a lot of different reasons for this – simplicity; trying to avoid confusion – but the question still remains, why go to the trouble of legally changing your name, only to still represent yourself in a different way?
Whether a woman chooses to change her last name after marriage – and whether or not she chooses to follow tradition – has identity implications for both her and her husband. People tend to make significant value judgments about everything from a couple’s religious devotion, to the woman’s strength and self-confidence, to the man’s assertiveness and virility based on her decision. For Black Americans, the fact that a large part of our identity as a community has to do with strength and independence makes matters worse.
On one hand, men are socialized to think that a strong Black man should be able to persuade, seduce, or control his woman in to wanting to take his last name in marriage. If he can’t, then he isn’t strong enough to truly be considered a man, especially not a Black man. On the other, more and more women are being socialized to think that a strong Black woman shouldn’t give up her maiden name. If she does, then there’s an implication that she isn’t being a “modern woman,” and isn’t strong enough to be considered a Black woman. What’s worse for women though is that even if she does decide to keep her maiden name, she’ll often be labeled as “too feminist,” or “too strong,” especially by more conservative, yet still highly influential institutions like Black churches, which tend to associate the success of Black women with the demasculinization of Black men in America.
All of this can turn the woman’s decision of whether or not to change her last name in to another battle ground for Black couples, creating more obstacles in the way of our love, and more division amongst our community. So what’s really in a name? If a married woman’s last name is the defining sign or signal of her identity, and the identity of her newly-formed family, what is the modern Black couple to do? There are a number of different approaches, or traditions, to choose from, but which one offers the most freedom and credibility, and allows you to avoid all the cultural criticism and drama?
Many married Black women have begun hyphenating their last names. This tradition seems to be getting more and more popular within our community: probably because it implies that a woman’s independence and individuality can be equal to her reliance and solidarity to her husband. The hyphen is like a little grammatical bridge, that crosses any gaps, gorges, or ravines between a woman’s identity when she was single, and her new identity as a wife. And while hyphenating still isn’t as popular as the ‘old-school’ tradition of a woman’s last name matching her husband’s, it’s becoming so visible that in the next few years, it may very well become the standard.
But does it solve the issue? As I said before, a number of women hyphenate their last names legally, but are still hesitant to make their decision widely-known. And what about any children that are born from the relationship? Should their last names be hyphenated, as well? What about the husband? Should men begin hyphenate their last names with their wife’s maiden name so everything is uniform? A quick Google search brought me a 2007 USAToday article that showed more men in America are not just hyphenating – their taking on their wife’s maiden name. But most men I know still get extremely agitated when people confuse their wife’s hyphenated last name as being their own.
I’m getting married myself soon (less than three months!), and name-changing was actually one of the first things my fiancée and I talked about when we started discussing the possibility of marriage. I pretty much told her that if she ever wanted to marry me, she’d have to be willing to change her last name to Kellom – no ifs, ands, buts, or hyphens. She had always liked the idea of hyphenating, and so she calmly reminded me that she could do “whatever she damn-well pleased,” with her own name. Fair enough. So I replied pleasantly, “I guess we’ll just never get married.”
My great-uncle always told me, “You only get one name,” which was his way of saying, “Never sacrifice your integrity.” Great advice. But it’s advice from a man who served in World War II. Today, a woman hopefully has more ways to express her identity, and preserve her integrity, than by just keeping her last name. However, with the struggles they face as far as their value and lack of opportunities in the job market; the over-sexualized portrayals that represent them in popular media; and the plain-old racism they live and breathe everyday, in how many more ways does today’s society demand for women, especially Black women, to sacrifice their name – their integrity – than it did in the past?
I’m blessed to be in love with someone who has an abundance of outlets to express her individuality. So many in fact, that I didn’t have to beg too hard to get her to change her mind and see it my way. It was a decision we came to together, and it works for our situation: it’s the path we’re willing to walk together. But if retaining her maiden name, or hyphenating it, is the way a woman has chosen to maintain her truest sense of integrity, then she who is worthy of standing in her way?
What’s in a name? For Black America, nothing less than everything. Sometimes it feels like that’s all we have. And if that’s true for you – that your name is all you have, then don’t compromise it. But don’t make that choice just because of some tradition or trend. The best way for our families to show our independence, to assert our values, and to represent our solidarity is by making the decision to go with whatever-the-hell last name option makes the most sense for that family. Nothing should be off the table. Maybe you hyphenate, maybe you assimilate; maybe you combine both the wife and husband’s last names to make something new. The point is to find something what works for you – and if you can’t find a tradition out there that fits, make one up. It’s your family. The happiness, fulfillment, and confidence you feel, from waking up everyday in the arms of one who celebrates and accentuates your integrity, your individuality, and the truest sense of your personal identity, is what makes a family, nothing else.
